This section is home to the many stories of hope and recovery shared by the members of our fellowship. We encourage you to submit your story for inclusion here. It will bring hope to others who can see themselves in your struggle and your story will show them, they’re not alone.
We can all learn from each other.
By Ian S.
My sponsor told me that he took me on as a sponsee because he could tell “my hair was on fre.” It’s true. I had hit a definitive bottom and had to change but I had no clue about how abstinence, sobriety, or healthy sexuality worked. Te problem I faced that first day in SAA was defining what, for me, was healthy sexuality.
The advice my sponsor gave me during our frst meeting was to put anything that is illegal or that did harm to others immediately in the inner circle on day one. I did not understand why I should not put all my unhealthy behaviors in the inner circle, but I was desperate enough to take his advice.
I see now that, rather than give me a free pass to act out, his guidance assisted me — a scared, inexperienced newcomer — to build a program structure that would not set me up to fail. It was the basic structure I needed as I learned to practice self-discipline in my sexuality.
My sponsor knew that I would set myself up to fail by piling my whole lifetime of acting out behaviors into my inner circle. He had seen many newcomers enter into a failure spiral of acting out on pernicious behaviors, taking white chips, white knuckling their abstinence, only to act-out again. In doing so they were not giving themselves the space and time necessary to learn new, healthier behaviors. He knew it took both time and the working of the steps to develop the willingness and faith in a power other than ourselves to let go the most deeply rooted habits.
As I worked on “healthier sexuality,” my sponsor asked me to place behaviors harmful only to myself in the middle circle. He asked me to call him if I found myself regularly engaging in middle circle behaviors.
It was difficult at first to live with my imperfections and call my sponsor when I fell into troubling behaviors. But I see now that my willingness to call him and be honest was a key to success in the program.
I worked the steps. As months passed, I managed to abstain from my inner circle illegal and harmful activities. I began to question for myself how other illicit behaviors, like voyeurism in public places or the viewing of provocative online media, were holding me back from good health. In time, I was ready to look at other troubling behaviors that were getting in the way of my expression of healthier sexuality.
The opportunity for further growth came when my first sponsor passed away shortly after we finished working the Twelve Steps. My grand-sponsor agreed to become my sponsor. A few months into his tenure, I decided that I needed to stop these last illicit uses of the internet to view pictures and videos for masturbation.
This was a big step, and to help with it, I began to use a specific online monitoring tool my sponsor and other trusted fellows used to provide a report of weekly online activities on their computers and cell phones. This willingness to be accountable for my viewing habits and let go of my online “hunting” for sexual images was another huge step toward healthier sexuality.
I still want to “hunt” at times. It’s not a healthy behavior. It’s my oldest behavioral defect and the only one I am loath to give up. However, I am able to be honest with myself and others and seek to get out of the bad “head spaces” and back on a healthy beam when I’m scared and seek escape into images or fantasies.
That’s the key for me to healthier sexuality: Acceptance that I am an addict — that I’m powerless over my addictive sexual behavior, as Step One tells me — and will, at times, be drawn to unhealthy behavior. By working the steps and applying them to my daily life, I’ve learned to have the willingness to ask for help from others and accept with humility and grace the help that is offered. I cannot stay abstinent without working my program and staying in touch with my peers in recovery. But with honesty, steady work, and willingness I can remain abstinent one day at a time.
“The Gradual Approach: Using the middle circle leads to abstinence – and sobriety”.
The Outer Circle Newsletter, Volume 12, Issue 4, July – August 2018
My name is Frank and I am a sex addict. I’m also a gay man and I have almost 25 years of sexual sobriety from my inner-circle behaviors, which include having anonymous sex and entering sexual establishments.
On my last night of acting out, I stayed out until 5a.m. prowling various places, but what was different that night is that I hit my bottom.
I still remember asking my Higher Power to help me. I was acting out in the same compulsive ways at thirty-seven years of age that I had engaged in since I was fifteen. I felt hopeless, but from that hopelessness an opening happened for me when I asked for help.
I threw myself into the program of SAA which had just expanded into San Francisco in 1995. I was an early member. I’m still grateful to the other members who put sobriety first in their lives and who were rigorously honest about their behavior. I learned that my sobriety and my program had to be the number one priority of my life. I could not let anything else get in the way of my sobriety.
I attended as many meetings as were available, and I quickly made friends with other sex addicts. I made a service commitment at a meeting and used the phone whenever I felt like I was going to act out.
Eventually, I got a sponsor. He had more than a year of sobriety and had worked the steps already. He took me through the steps. I started sponsoring other people, because I knew that if I didn’t give my sobriety away I’d lose it. I am also doing prison outreach now.
I’ve received so many gifts as a result of SAA and my sobriety. I’ve been able to move in the direction of my right livelihood in work and I’ve made so many friends both inside and outside the program. When I turned 50, I had more than 50 people at my party. When I first got into the program, I barely had any friends.
I have been able to try many new hobbies that are now in my outer circle including hiking, camping, giving workshops, and travel. I’m also involved in several spiritual communities.
Finally, I have been in a primary relationship with a man for almost seven years, which for me is a miracle as I almost never dated before I got into SAA.
We have so much fun and connection. But I also got to find out that relationships are not easy, and that they require a lot of communication and willingness to admit when I am wrong.
A lot of footwork and trial and error in dating had to happen before I met my partner. I made mistakes along the way in dating but remained open, stayed sober, and tried to listen to my Higher Power and other’s advice.
The program has changed my life in all areas. I have the tools today to deal with problems that come up. I don’t go into my inner circle when I have problems the way I used to.
I could never have done this alone so I am grateful to everyone in SAA who is travelling on this path with me. I keep coming back because I don’t want to miss what Higher Power has in store for me around the corner.
Source: https://saa-recovery.org/wp-content/uploads/TheOuterCircleNewsletter.pdf
Coming back from the depths of hopelessness: The Outer Cirlce, Volume 14 – Issue 2, March – April 2020
Early in recovery, I was pleased with myself. I knew I had a long way to go and that recovery never stops, but I also knew that I was not acting out. My secret life had ended. Admittedly in being discovered the lives of those around me were destroyed. It was hard for me to balance the hope in recovery and the sadness around me.
At my ninety-day sobriety mark, I went to an in-person meeting. My recovery peers clapped for the milestone. I was given a three-month green token reminding me that one day at a time, I was moving from shame to grace and modeling the Serenity Prayer. I had told my partner in the days leading up to my ninety-day mark that I would like to go to an in-person meeting to celebrate this milestone because my experience within-person meetings was different from what I get through telephone meetings. When I got home, my partner asked, “Did they cheer for you?” “Well, not cheer, but they celebrated with me and gave me this token.” My partner froze. This event, which was something she and I acknowledged as important only three days prior, became triggering. “Forgive me for not cheering you on this. Let me see…thirty years…10,950 days. It should be a 10,950 day celebration Friends in Need The Outer Circle 17 of faithfulness! But you didn’t care about me. You lied this whole time and now you’re celebrating ninety days of not acting out with other women? You shouldn’t be proud your friends are sex addicts.” I shouldn’t be proud that I’m in recovery and I shouldn’t be proud that my friends are sex addicts…this struck me.
I never said I was proud, for pride is an entryway to narcissism and selfishness, two of my character flaws. Those flaws in turn are gateways to acting out, something I’ve proven I can’t resist on my own. Two weeks prior her statement would have devastated me. As an addict, my compulsion thrives in isolation and secrecy and is fueled in part by self-defeatism. In my insecurities as an addict, I let negative talk and bad days drag me down. I tell myself that, “I deserve to act out because life around me just doesn’t understand me.” In recovery I’m learning different perspectives.
I’m recognizing that I cannot do it alone. The addiction is cunning and baffling: it wants me to wallow in pity and come back to its cold embrace. “They don’t understand your addict…. come to me. I’ve got you. You deserve this.” I am powerless over this addiction and I need a Higher Power to carry me through times when life is hard and sad — a sadness I created for myself and others, but a life worth living. I also need a Higher Power to give me recognition that I need help and to support me in staying in my lane on my path in Just 100 days into the program, I am happy to say that I am feeling better than I have in months. recovery. I can’t do it alone. I have a Higher Power and more. I have recovery peers who are walking their paths from the same cunning and baffling addiction. Their stories are similar to mine, some more bleak, some more hopeful, but all who choose to are welcome to walk the path.
My friends are sex addicts, that is true. They are doctors and mechanics and business owners and landscapers and teachers and husbands and fathers and wives and mothers. Brothers and sisters whom I never knew existed! People who understand the power of sex addiction and have experienced recovery in many ways, shapes, and forms. My friends are sex addicts. I am not in this alone. I have support. I seethe power of recovery. I understand how to put shame behind me and let grace fill my life. My friends are sex addicts. I am a sex addict. We walk the road of recovery. We have turned our backs to shame and opened our hearts to our Higher Power, whom we seek support and guidance for another day of recovery. Day-by-day for the rest of our lives. We commit to this. I AM proud of this!
Source: https://saa-recovery.org/wp-content/uploads/NewsLetter2020-01.pdf
Recovery fellows offer vital support — and a connection to our Higher Power: Outer Circle Newsletter: January-February 2020, Volume 14, Issue 1
Hi everybody. My name is Tony S and I am a gratefully recovering sex addict from Vancouver, Canada. I want to share with you a recent experience I had as organizer and volunteer coordinator for a booth representing SAA at a local event called “Recovery Day”. The local fellowship and the ISO, not to mention my HP, made this booth possible.
I first heard of the Recovery Day event at the May 2019 meeting of the local Greater Vancouver SAA Intergroup of which I am a member. I learned that Recovery Day is a free public event celebrating recovery from addictions and mental health issues. It had been happening in the first week of September for several years across Canada, and first started in the Vancouver area in 2012. The Intergroup members thought we should participate. I agreed – our primary purpose is to reach out to the addict who still suffers. But it would not happen unless someone volunteered to organize it. No hands went up. With a sort of sick feeling I put up my hand.
A word about Recovery Day. The three people who organize it are directors of different recovery centres. At this outdoor street festival event, activities included 4 stages with live music and speakers, health and wellness booths, vendors, food trucks, a kidszone, memorial tree, and several Metro Vancouver Area addiction recovery services and harm reduction providers. A total of 150 booths were set up. Some of the groups like ours, Greater Vancouver SAA, are 12 Step based, some are not, some are only marginally recovery oriented, some are profit oriented – a real mixed bag. Three downtown streets in a suburb of Vancouver were closed off and there were 4 large stages where different bands play loud music. Anyone could come, for any reason, and they did, young and old. In 2018 it was estimated that 20,000 people were there. What an opportunity!
I had never done anything like this before. For several years I had been avoiding “higher level” service work because I had come to recognize a defect of character I have – the fear driven need to control others, particularly in the area of recovery.
I would also be sitting next to a sign that said “Sex Addict” in a public place. I was of two minds about this last detail. Part of me wanted to be the brave hero who would save someone by showing them that SAA existed. They would talk to me, and my virtuous manner would inspire them start their recovery from sex addiction. The other part of me was terrified of being judged and stereotyped and possibly attacked. The scenarios in my head multiplied. Thinking about this now, I realize that both of these ideas placed me at the centre of events, either as saviour or victim. Perhaps my religious upbringing helped me conflate the two.
I was also concerned about how to properly represent our fellowship. After all, when someone came by, every person who staffed our booth would be a spokesperson for SAA. I wanted to follow the Traditions. I had read the Traditions, had brought them up in the regular and business meetings of our local fellowship, but this time it felt like the stakes were much higher. People from outside the fellowship and outside recovery entirely would be talking to us and it felt important to get it right.
Fortunately I was not going to be doing all this on my own. Our local Intergroup endorsed the booth and supported it with a special printing of the local meeting list. The first person outside of Intergroup I talked to about it was my sponsor, who encouraged me to trust my HP.
I could not attend every local SAA meeting in person to announce the need for volunteers at the booth, but I was inspired (thanks HP) to promote that need by printing special “business cards”, and gave them to anyone who would take them, with the hope that they would get to members who wanted to volunteer. And despite my fears, they did (thanks HP).
Meanwhile Carly, a member of Intergroup, had contacted Phillip B at the International Service Organization of SAA in Houston, Texas. Phillip’s official title is “Program Manager of Public Information & Cooperation With the Professional Community”. The Recovery Day event only partly falls into this category. Phillip and the ISO were immediately enthusiastic, and they did a lot of the “heavy lifting”.
At this point we had further unexpected help.
As the weeks passed I had many responses to my request for volunteers. People volunteered then dropped out, or they were uncertain. I understood, as I had some of the same concerns they did. For the first while I expected there wouldn’t be enough members willing to staff the booth. My HP had other ideas though.
In the end we had seven volunteers, who soon were asking what the booth schedule would be. I pulled a schedule out of the air (thanks HP) and asked the volunteers if it worked for them. No one complained. I didn’t want to be rigid about it, and told myself that if someone didn’t show up, it would work out. We did a lot of coordinating via email and I made sure that we could support each other via phone.
I wanted the event to be as simple as possible: show up, set up the table, the literature, the banner, be present for the people who approached, don’t take things personally. Knowing my need for control, I had scheduled myself to be away from the booth for several hours, so that I could do things like eat and relax and not drive the volunteers crazy.
As I packed up the materials and headed for the early bus, I was anxious but feeling like it would be ok. I got there, and most things went as planned (thanks HP). Volunteers showed up, the booth got set up, we were ready. We got some looks from people, but it turns out that many there saw “Sex Addicts Anonymous” and immediately understood what we were about. It really was “Recovery Day” after all. Although some people in recovery might not want to think about issues around sex, it was not hard for them imagine what we were about.
Some people came to the booth out of curiosity. Sometimes they had questions, and most had not known that we existed, and were surprised to learn how long the local fellowship had been active. Some came asking how they could get another person to start their recovery from sex addiction. Some would not talk but took literature. And some people were willing to admit that they were sex addicts who still suffer. I am so grateful to have been able to talk to all of these people. None of my fears came to pass.
Over all the day went well. I am only guessing at the numbers, but I think we spoke directly to about 30 people, and perhaps 2,000 people walked past our table. We gave away the following literature:
Pamphlet | Number Given Out |
SAA: A Pathway to Recovery | 67 |
Sexual Sobriety and the Internet | 22 |
A Special Welcome to Woman Newcomer | 13 |
LGBT Booklets | 4 |
Plus we gave away many meeting lists, which also have contact information on them.
I have found the rewards from this event to be great, beyond my ability to properly express. So, are you aware of any outreach opportunities in your area? Perhaps there is a local treatment centre that would welcome a presentation. Or maybe your meetings are not as well publicized to the potential member as they could be. I am already considering next year’s Recovery Day event.
There are many to thank. The volunteers at the booth were Allan, Brian, Bruno, Chris, Patrick, Sean, and Travis.
Thanks to Phillip and Evan and the ISO, who contributed with literature, money and organizing for the booth, literature rack and banner, and the webinar.
Thanks to Clif G for presenting the Public Speaking course.
Thanks to the GVSAA Intergroup, who voted to support the venture and to get the meeting list printed: Ben, Carly, Dan, Gary, Jason, Lief, Steven.
Thanks to my sponsor Rodrigo R, who supports me with his kindness and wisdom.
And thanks to my HP, who pushed / prompted me to volunteer. I wouldn’t have made it without You
By Nancy F.
I was filled with shame. My sponsor had explained the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt was believing I had made a mistake, whereas, shame was believing I was a mistake. That was me. I was a mistake —evil, crazy, perverted, and dirty.
Then came the Ninth Step and a miracle happened. I felt called to make an amends to those who had sexually abused me as a small child.
My sponsor said we don’t make amends to those who abused us as children — you had no part. But I understood I did have a part.
I had held a resentment for forty-plus years. Then with my sponsor’s support, I made amends to my abusers. As I forgave them I understood something. They were sex addicts just like me.
And as I forgave them I could then forgive myself. That day I went from shame to grace — the promise of this program!
From: The Outer Circle Newsletter, Volume 12, Issue 4, July – August 2018
Back in 2007, during my first day of treatment, I was in a therapy group and I had to introduce myself and share what brought me to my knees in hopeless despair. I shared a bit of my story and was interrupted – ‘you’re a sex addict’ I heard from the facilitator.
Horrified and shocked that this stranger targeted me with such an assault, I treaded carefully about the sordid affairs of my life.
Victimization of sex assaults, drugs, prostitution and the porn industry were all just the tip of the iceberg of my experiences, and it didn’t stop there. Abandonment and trauma just riddled my hedonistic take on life – it’s no wonder I never had a sober day for almost 40 years.
After three and a half years of recovery from substance abuse I had moved into my own place. I had discovered a new and improved self and I thought it appropriate to share myself with another. But who would that be?
As ‘normies’ went home to loved ones and recovering addicts returned to their families, I sat alone in pity and hurt and felt so all alone in my newly developed sobriety. I did not want to be alone…
I searched online for someone who could ease my discomfort and I thought to pay for sex… An encounter with someone new that would appreciate me even if for a moment. This was the best mistake I could have ever made…
Within 24 hours I was hopping around, escalating this new experience from person to person; gender to gender. Substances manifested in every experience and I lost my sobriety – the new self stared to fade like a new moon behind oncoming storm-clouds. I could see what was happening but I could not stop.
Within days I stopped eating and then stopped sleeping – and that was all I could stop. Men to women, singles to couples, peep shows to bathhouses – then days in the park… Omg what the hell happened? The newfound man was gone and within weeks I was not seen anywhere unless I was engaging in some inappropriate behaviour…
but this was just my healthy drive, wasn’t it???
I contacted my sponsor from another program. He knew my story and he never judged. I asked him what the hell had happened? How could this process of recovery turned into the seething activities of debauchery that had now consumed my life, and my newly discovered self? I was now experiencing a product relapse, now unfolding into its 3rd week.
He asked me to account for the day as it unfolded; asking which activity showed up first – the intimate encounter or the substance abuse. I thought very slowly on this as I wanted to make certain I spoke the truth. I did and I was ashamed. “It was the encounter that showed up first” I replied. It was then he mentioned that it was quite probable I was a sex addict.
I slammed down the phone, picked up the product and rekindled the activity – an automatic prowl, a blind search, for anyone or anything that could prove him wrong.
6 weeks passed, no appearance in school, at work or at meetings. Pawning things to pay for sex trade workers and the drugs pretty much confirmed I had more issues than sheer substance abuse.
It was then I contacted the SAA head office in Texas and asked for help. They referred me to a local Vancouver SAA group.
I planned to attend, but could not stop using. Off to parks, the strip and now online activity was changing from popping onto various websites to spending 36 plus hours just fixated on profiles, pictures and now porn. To snap out of that I would frequent public restrooms, darting from the city centre to the farthest suburbs, just to find someone to feed my obsessions.
At 5 months into the relapse my searching was halted, even if for a moment, by friends who became concerned – they encouraged me to attend the Bute street meeting. I did so; reluctantly (even though I was still quite altered and scattered.)
A kindly gentleman welcomed me and invited me to sit next to him. As members appeared he made sure to introduce me to them, explaining I was quite unsettled. The meeting got under way and as the check in went around the room – had each Member state their inner circle issues and i was being triggered by what was said; the unity, the self awareness; but what stood out was the grace. Everyone was so gentle and genuine in their welcome.
It was almost time for the meeting to end and right around the room, members spoke and as it came to me I sat in fear. I had most of the issues each of these members shared. Not just one or two but most. I realized how mis-wired I truly was.
It was then that I shared after introducing myself and I started to cry – I recall thinking there was no hope for recovery… I was doomed; I felt ashamed and sick to my stomach – I was appalled at who I had become.
The meeting ended and as I sat, every member came to welcome me HOME; again I started to cry again.
This was the turning point for my view of myself and the world. A complete reworking of how I did things and how I related to others. Slowly but surly with the love and respect of the group I started to discover wellness and a sense of contentment I never thought possible.
Using the literature, the steps and a sponsor or 2, I ripped out the wiring of how I was operating, gently and patiently rewiring my processes by using the steps and staying as transparent as I could. Integrity was employed as I set my circles and worked for change. I have reduced my behaviours to less than ten percent of what they were and that is phenomenal – something I never thought these eyes would see. I move along spiritual lines and stay open to change being mindful of the triggers that can take me out.
I still attend meetings in the fellowships that deal with substances, but it is the SAA program that holds my heart. The Grace the members achieve has been bestowed to me and although I am (and never will be) perfect, I am ok in my own skin as I move to develop healthy relationships, including the one with myself.
Forever in loving gratitude
JRO of Vancouver BC
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